Been a long time since I posted something here. Looks like it's either I have nothing that is bothering me, I've hidden it deeply within me, or I just don't care about things anymore. Hmmmm. Doesn't seem very positive, does it? :)

It doesn't bother me anymore and I'm so proud of myself :") *pats own back* To be able to not care and bother about certain things that are happening around me anymore; I've finally gotten back a little part of my old self. YOSH!! 

What is happening to us? What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm trying to stop whatever I can that causes us to fight. But why won't you let me? Saying things like you're doing most of the changes and one more wont hurt makes me feel like I'm not giving a shit with our relationship. It hurts me even more that I'm trying to stop the cause of our fight and you're not even letting me do so. I am at a lost. I really dont know what to do anymore.

For once, please. Just try to at least think or see from my point of view. How hurt I get form those words of yours. How i feel knowing what you do outside. Yes, you tell me because by doing so, it shows you have nothing to hide. But how do I feel? Knowing you were drunk and you lay on your ex's lap. Knowing you do things in club when you're high but "what happens in the club stays in the club" so i'm supposed to be all okay because I don't see what happens. But its not okay for me because that one time I went, you saw what happened. When it's okay for you to now and then meet up with her because she's your best friend and I am supposed to understand that but it's not okay for me to tweet something related to him because of what happened.last time. After almost 5 months of being together, one hand is more than enough to count the amount of times he talked to me and it's just through texting for barely 15 minutes. And because of that one time I was unhappy when you weren't around you got mad that he was there for me? How is that fair? I know you are unhappy that we talk. I stop. I don't even find him when I'm down and yet you say I do.  Would you be unhappy talking to a person who tries to make you happy? I would be unhappy if the person I love is unhappy with me talking to that person. Said I will cut all ties with him but again you unhappy. But no. If I knew that, I would have stopped talking to him a long time ago. So how about you stop meeting up with her because you know I'm unhappy about it? But it doesn't work that way and then of course it goes back to the same thing. You and her, different from me and him because of what happened. So how is this going to be solved?? Really. I don't know what to do anymore. There is nothing for us to fix anymore. Understand that I am okay with your relationship with her. I don't dislike her but I don't have to like her either. This will hurt you but to me, she's just another person on this Earth who happens to have a history with my boy. The uneasy feeling will always be there no matter what but I guess that's something you wouldn't understand either. But I don't feel that it's fair for me that it always boils down to the same whole "me-and-her-situation-is-different-from-you-and-him-situation-because-of-what-happened" And that is that.

You think you're hurt a lot. I don't think you're hurting as much as I am. You have absolutely no idea what a tiny argument we have is to me.

In my past, I did not care at all about what they did, who they hanged with, how late they would stay out and whatsoever.

But now, it is all so different. Never have I cared so much about what you do, who you hang with, how late you stayed out and whatsoever. Makes me realize that I've never actually loved any of my past. It was just a " we-like-each-other-so-lets-get-together phase" 

It kills me everytime we fight. It ruins my whole day and night. It makes me feel like shit. Makes me not have the mood to do anything in the world. Most of the nights we fight, I sit in my room and cry because I don't know what to do.

My good friends often say I'm very transparent. The slightest change in mood and the whole world knows. Been told quite frequently that I need to learn to fake a smile and put up a wall. If only it was that simple for me.

I'm so tired of crying.

Once, a very dear senior friend told me "You won't understand it now. Wait till you're in my position then you will know what i mean."

Back then, I used to hear her complain about her other half. Going out every night and all I thought was " If you trust him, why would you feel that? Nothing would happen between them" And she would always tell me, "It's not that. I do trust him. But it's just this feeling you get everytime you know he's out with her. You can't help it. It's just there and it kills you inside. You try not to show or care but you just can't." I used to think "ahhhh. maybe it's just her. i don't think i will ever feel that way."

Now do I realize how wrong I am. And also, she's not the only one who feels that way. Little did I know, that my other friends who went through the same thing also felt that way. And now, I myself feel it. It sucks. The feeling sucks so so badly. You are fine with it, but once it's mentioned. Everything around you just changes.

A close guy friend of mine told me once. " If you have a guy best friend, never mention his name in front of your boyfriend. Likewise, if you're a guy, never mention your girl best friend's name in front of your girl."

All these things. I never taken it into account. Because all I thought was if there is trust, why worry? But looks like I'm very very wrong. Even if there's trust, there's just this gut twisting feeling everytime you know about it. You just can't help it. And the feelings sucks.

being put in such a position i don't even know what to do. being the middle person again. as usual.doing this will make you unhappy and most probably just end up making things worse between you and her. i leave it alone and she will think i'm not doing anything about it. i've said it so many times but what's the use? when nothing is even changing. hate repeating myself over the same thing again and again.

what was i to say or answer when i was asked "you don't get jealous ah? always out with them till late." all i could  do was to smile.

Never thought I would love and care for someone this much before. Everything seems different now. Little little things that happen is a big impact on me. I used to not care about what you do. But as the days go by and I find myself falling for you more and more, day by day, I can't help but feel feelings that I thought I'd never feel. Jealousy. Insecurities. Never have I gone through those emotions. I honestly do not have a problem with all the hanging out. I know. You're best of friends. And friends need each other. I won't stop someone from seeing their best friend. Who am I to do so? It's just something I have to deal with myself. I believe in time, I'll learn to accept. But in the meantime, I can't guarantee that I'll be happy all the time. The past still haunts me. I'm still afraid. You've done so much for me. So much that there is no more for you to do anymore. I stopped talking, hanging out and seeing someone who was a very dear friend to me for months. Was I unhappy? Honestly, yes. But if that stops you from having doubts and grumpy and etc then okay. I'm willing to do that. I'm not asking for you to do the same cos my friendship with him and your friendship with her are two totally different kind of friendships. Just. Give me some time to adapt to it.

You make me happy. Really, you do. I don't hide expressions well. I may not talk. But my face says it all. And very rarely, people actually say "She seems happier nowadays." I was like some emo kid back then. But since I met you, hung out and now, be with you. I am much happier than I was back before. I'm not afraid anymore. To show affection. To say "I love you" out loud. You're the one guy who made me feel sincerely loved. And I'm really thankful for that. You mean a whole lot to me. <3 div="">

It's not that you're doing something wrong, scaring me or not being good enough. I don't want anything to change between us. This is just something I have to deal with with myself. Yes, the fear is there but no. I do not wish for anything to change between us.