Whatever happens, happens.

If only you knew how much it affects me. I may not say it, I may not show it. But yes, I do have feelings. Yes, I do get affected.

You don't know how lucky you are in the sense that I actually care a lot. But sometimes, I wonder why I even try changing how I normally am over someone who's not even mine. It's something I never do. And even if that someone is mine, I still don't care this much. As it is, I have trust issues. I'm willing to overlook and accept your past. Even though I now know how you really are. Okay. Maybe not really are. Even though I know how you are now, I still am not avoiding you. I still care. I still like you. I let you do things I've never let anyone do to me. Not even when they were with me.

All my first times were given to you. And you're not even mine. Okay. Call me old-fashioned or whatever. I still believe in "having intimate things with that special someone." Ahh. I don't know. Like you always tell me, "We're not together." So, I don't have the right to be jealous or hurt if you have a girl stay over at your place. Not to mention, it's your ex that you can't get over. I don't know what to feel. When you told me, it was just an "oh. okay. have fun." expression..feeling..whatever you call it. I'ma just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.

Life

The fear of trusting people's words. The fear of getting hurt again. The fear of being cheated and lied to. So afraid to take the next step and because of that I know I've hurt many people. And because I try my best to make everyone happy despite me not wanting to do it, I end up being not happy. And in the end, someone gets hurt.
Sometimes I feel that nobody really understands why I do some things. Especially when it comes to confessions. I honestly don't like getting confessions. Of course it's nice to know that you are being loved by other people and that people actually want to know you better and be close to you. But because I can't say "no" directly when someone asks me, I try to put it in a nice way but somehow, they just don't get it. I don't know if it's because they really don't get it, or they are clinging on to the hope that given time, I will not reject :/ And whenever I hear those dreadful words, "I will wait for you. No matter how long it takes." I just feel like disappearing from that person's life. Twice, I was blamed for leading them on and giving them false hope. And because of that, I lost a best friend and a very good friend.
Now that I'm not in high school anymore, I hear stories about me that I never knew about. And I actually found out that my close friends feel sorry for me. And I quote from my good buddy who told me what another good buddy said, " I pity her actually. So many guys go after her, but the ones she truly likes always hurt her in the end." Not to say that I"m boasting that so many guys go after me or something, but I don't believe that they go for me because of who I am. they don't even know me and they claim that I'm the one. Bull-to-the-shit. Obviously I won't believe you when all of you are "heng dais" and all of you go after me? One after another. How is that showing me that you actually like me? It just shows me that you guys are just going after me, to see who will get me first.

Because of my past and what has happened throughout the years, I find it hard to believe what I hear anymore. Actions speak louder, they said. Be friends for a year or two and if he still likes you, trust him, they said. Believed those words, I did and all I got was a broken heart. What am I supposed to believe in now? The one person I truly liked, (even more than I have ever felt for my ex) lied to me. Telling me that the relationship was unintentional? Really? How can someone possibly get into a relationship unintentionally? Total bullcrap. Another person who I cared for dearly despite all his negative sides couldn't even put me above his "image" and frankly speaking, I don't even know what image he has or rather had in high school. But the fact that you were there for me, making me feel special, even when you know how badly hurt I was before was what made me believe there was some good in you. The last 2 years of my high school life was when I had the best birthday and Valentine's Day. And those memories will never ever be forgotten. But now, I don't even know if I mean that much to you since you can't even remember when was the last time we met. Obviously, you moved on with life while I'm still stupidly stuck in the past and all that's left with me are the memories you gave me which i doubt you remember. 14/02/2012 will forever remain in my mind and heart.

When I look back at my past, I sometimes wonder why I did the things I did. "You're too nice. People often take advantage of you." was what I was told. Too often, if you ask me. I still get that a lot now. Even from people I just met for a few months! I may seem happy on the outside but honestly, nobody really knows what I'm feeling inside. And sometimes, I myself don't even know. It's like, I feel sad but I don't even know why and it annoys me. The sister says I'm psychological unstable. The bestie says I'm doing my best to make others happy but by doing so, I make myself unhappy. I don't really know anymore :/ I sleep a lot because when I do, I don't have to think about all these. I often keep things to myself because that's how I am. I don't open up easily to people. And because of that, some days I just breakdown. Parents even said I went hysterical at one point ._.

I don't know why but somehow, I find it easier to talk and mix with the boys. To the extent that they call me "one of the guys" (I don't know if that's good or bad). Less drama. Less gossiping. Less backstabbing. But because of that, I know a lot of girls talk behind my back. Say that I want attention so I always mix with the guys. Been through that before. So called "close girl friends of mine" Pfft. I don't really bother anymore. Make the girls happy by walking away and to their place when my guy friends walk over to my place to talk with me. It's rude if I do that, no? If people take the trouble to walk all the way to your  seat to talk to you and when they do, you get up to walk somewhere else. How would that make them feel? But no... That's not how they see the  picture. All they see is me wanting and loving the attention I get from the guys -.- sigh.

Sometimes, all I want, is to do something that will make ME happy. But because I can't bring myself to hurt others by saying some words, I guess I'll never get that happiness for me and myself that I so badly want. Life :|

HI JONATHAN!

Yes this post is for you since you STALK MY BLOG AND WANT TO DIG OUT MY SECRETS :P

HAI JOHNNIE WEE!!!

And here~ our pikcha :D

Happy Chinese New Year 2012~!

Gong Hei Fatt Choi!! Gong Xi Fa Cai!! Happy Chinese New Year!! :) May the year of the dragon shower you with prosperity, good health, good wealth and most of all, happiness all year long~

Gong hei, Gong hei

:)

Hello!! I'm back. Eheh~ ^^

So my previous previous post, about that guy. Yeah. Apparently he REALLY didn't see me. So, here's the story.

• On New Year's Eve, I suddenly got a text from him. It read, "Hey! Were you in One Utama on Friday?" When I read it, I was thinking to myself, "Oh, like you didn't know I was there -.- " But I replied, "Yeah. I was there with my friends. Why?" And he said "Oh. Because my friend told me he saw you walk out the cinema. Haha. Why didn't you tell me you were there? I would've said hi!! :D " I was like seriously just pissed off. I mean, dude! You would've said hi? To me? With your girl standing there with you!? Yea, right! -.- So, I just asked him which friend saw me, etc. etc. etc. Those kinda shizz. Then I asked him how does his friend know me? And he said, "Oh.. He saw your picture on Facebook before." And I seriously just stunned at that text message. I thought to myself.. More like shouted in my head, "DUDE! YOUR FRIEND SAW MY PICTURE THROUGH FACEBOOK ONLY AND HE RECOGNIZED ME!? AND YOU, WHO KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND HAS SEEN ME WAY MORE TIMES THAN YOUR FRIEND HAS DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME!!?? WTF ARE YOU SAYING SERIOUSLY. YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!" -________-|| Anyway, I just left it at that. After seeing him again with that girl of his, I was already not really in a good mood. And after he told me that his FRIEND was the one who told him, I just seriously blew my top off. In my head. Yeah. I should've lashed out at him. But why waste my energy?

K. Enough about him. So, it's the 17th of January now. Hmmmmm... So many things happened. Ah. Yeah. Finally signed up for driving. Heh. Actually, I was pretty pissed off with one of my friend. I was supposed to learn with her. She told me to wait for her and sign up together after our major exam. So, I waited for her.

• November ended
• December came.
• Mid of December came.
• End of December came.

She still didn't come back to me about when to sign up! So, I decided to text her one day. Said, "Hey! When're we going to sign up for driving?" And she replied, "Oh. I sign up with *friend's name* already. Haha" And I was like WTF !? YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT FOR YOU AND NOW YOU TELL ME YOU SIGN UP WITH ANOTHER FRIEND ALREADY!!?? Yeah. I was pissed. I mean, at least have the courtesy to TELL ME that you have signed up, right? I freaking waited for you and you didn't even tell me you signed up!? sighhh.. Anyway, I signed up at the driving centre by myself, went for the 5hours talk by myself (entertained by my trustworthy walkman) and took the theory test by myself. And I PASSED!! :D Yahoo!!

45/50 *click image for a bigger picture*

So now, I got to attend the 6hours maintenance talk then I can learn how to drive!! So excited. ^^

Now, I'm working part time at my former music teacher's place. Teach small kids =/ I guess it's pretty okay. Twice a week, 3 hours each time. Plus, I get free food/drink and music knowledge! :D But, she's a perfectionist so i kinda predict a lot of screaming coming from her some time in the future =/ Pretty worried and scared about that. *shivers*

Oh. And lastly, the BEST THING that has ever happened to me in YEARS!! Eli Kim from U-KISS........ REPLIED MY TWEET!! Yes!!! My ultimate no.1 fav idol of all time, Eli Kim, replied my tweet!! ASDFGHJKL :D I was extremely happy and was literally spazzing and giggling to myself like a maniac by myself downstairs while watching TV. Eheh. I mean, Hey! Who wouldn't, right? I bet anyone who happens to be in my position that time would do the exact same thing. xD I've realised one thing from this.

• Never expect too much and don't keep spamming your idol's tweet. It all depends on timing and of course, luck :)

Ahhhhhhh~~~~~ I'm still so happy that I got a reply from him. =') And of course, (eheh) here's a proof shot of his reply to me! :D

proof shot :D eheh *click image for a bigger picture*

Well, I'm still practically on cloud 9 even though it happened (considered) so long ago. This is something I will NEVER EVER FORGET for the rest of my life :') Hmmm.. Maybe I should print it and frame it up. HAHAHAHA :D

Ahhh.. And also, not forgetting, today is one of the member from U-KISS' birthday!! The KING of selcas, Lee Kiseop! keke~ ^^

생일 축하해 KiSeop 오빠!!! Happy Birthday KiSeop!!! 사랑해~ I Love You~ ♥♥ Happy #UKISSeop day ^^

~ Well, that's it for now. Till the next time, goodbye!!

*signing out*

2012

Wooh!! Time sure flies, huh? 2011 passed by like a breeze yet so many things happened in that short period. So many memories to be remembered and cherished forever. =')

2011 also happened to be the end of my high school life!!! Am soon going to be a college student! :D I myself can't really believe it. Heh.

Anywho, I'm kinda lazy to blog nowadays =/ I'm sorry.

HAVE A GREAT 2012 !!

May you all succeed in your respective careers :)

*Cheers