You think you're hurt a lot. I don't think you're hurting as much as I am. You have absolutely no idea what a tiny argument we have is to me.

In my past, I did not care at all about what they did, who they hanged with, how late they would stay out and whatsoever.

But now, it is all so different. Never have I cared so much about what you do, who you hang with, how late you stayed out and whatsoever. Makes me realize that I've never actually loved any of my past. It was just a " we-like-each-other-so-lets-get-together phase" 

It kills me everytime we fight. It ruins my whole day and night. It makes me feel like shit. Makes me not have the mood to do anything in the world. Most of the nights we fight, I sit in my room and cry because I don't know what to do.

My good friends often say I'm very transparent. The slightest change in mood and the whole world knows. Been told quite frequently that I need to learn to fake a smile and put up a wall. If only it was that simple for me.

I'm so tired of crying.

Once, a very dear senior friend told me "You won't understand it now. Wait till you're in my position then you will know what i mean."

Back then, I used to hear her complain about her other half. Going out every night and all I thought was " If you trust him, why would you feel that? Nothing would happen between them" And she would always tell me, "It's not that. I do trust him. But it's just this feeling you get everytime you know he's out with her. You can't help it. It's just there and it kills you inside. You try not to show or care but you just can't." I used to think "ahhhh. maybe it's just her. i don't think i will ever feel that way."

Now do I realize how wrong I am. And also, she's not the only one who feels that way. Little did I know, that my other friends who went through the same thing also felt that way. And now, I myself feel it. It sucks. The feeling sucks so so badly. You are fine with it, but once it's mentioned. Everything around you just changes.

A close guy friend of mine told me once. " If you have a guy best friend, never mention his name in front of your boyfriend. Likewise, if you're a guy, never mention your girl best friend's name in front of your girl."

All these things. I never taken it into account. Because all I thought was if there is trust, why worry? But looks like I'm very very wrong. Even if there's trust, there's just this gut twisting feeling everytime you know about it. You just can't help it. And the feelings sucks.

being put in such a position i don't even know what to do. being the middle person again. as usual.doing this will make you unhappy and most probably just end up making things worse between you and her. i leave it alone and she will think i'm not doing anything about it. i've said it so many times but what's the use? when nothing is even changing. hate repeating myself over the same thing again and again.

what was i to say or answer when i was asked "you don't get jealous ah? always out with them till late." all i could  do was to smile.