The fear of trusting people's words. The fear of getting hurt again. The fear of being cheated and lied to. So afraid to take the next step and because of that I know I've hurt many people. And because I try my best to make everyone happy despite me not wanting to do it, I end up being not happy. And in the end, someone gets hurt.
Sometimes I feel that nobody really understands why I do some things. Especially when it comes to confessions. I honestly don't like getting confessions. Of course it's nice to know that you are being loved by other people and that people actually want to know you better and be close to you. But because I can't say "no" directly when someone asks me, I try to put it in a nice way but somehow, they just don't get it. I don't know if it's because they really don't get it, or they are clinging on to the hope that given time, I will not reject :/ And whenever I hear those dreadful words, "I will wait for you. No matter how long it takes." I just feel like disappearing from that person's life. Twice, I was blamed for leading them on and giving them false hope. And because of that, I lost a best friend and a very good friend.
Now that I'm not in high school anymore, I hear stories about me that I never knew about. And I actually found out that my close friends feel sorry for me. And I quote from my good buddy who told me what another good buddy said, " I pity her actually. So many guys go after her, but the ones she truly likes always hurt her in the end." Not to say that I"m boasting that so many guys go after me or something, but I don't believe that they go for me because of who I am. they don't even know me and they claim that I'm the one. Bull-to-the-shit. Obviously I won't believe you when all of you are "heng dais" and all of you go after me? One after another. How is that showing me that you actually like me? It just shows me that you guys are just going after me, to see who will get me first.
Because of my past and what has happened throughout the years, I find it hard to believe what I hear anymore. Actions speak louder, they said. Be friends for a year or two and if he still likes you, trust him, they said. Believed those words, I did and all I got was a broken heart. What am I supposed to believe in now? The one person I truly liked, (even more than I have ever felt for my ex) lied to me. Telling me that the relationship was unintentional? Really? How can someone possibly get into a relationship unintentionally? Total bullcrap. Another person who I cared for dearly despite all his negative sides couldn't even put me above his "image" and frankly speaking, I don't even know what image he has or rather had in high school. But the fact that you were there for me, making me feel special, even when you know how badly hurt I was before was what made me believe there was some good in you. The last 2 years of my high school life was when I had the best birthday and Valentine's Day. And those memories will never ever be forgotten. But now, I don't even know if I mean that much to you since you can't even remember when was the last time we met. Obviously, you moved on with life while I'm still stupidly stuck in the past and all that's left with me are the memories you gave me which i doubt you remember. 14/02/2012 will forever remain in my mind and heart.
When I look back at my past, I sometimes wonder why I did the things I did. "You're too nice. People often take advantage of you." was what I was told. Too often, if you ask me. I still get that a lot now. Even from people I just met for a few months! I may seem happy on the outside but honestly, nobody really knows what I'm feeling inside. And sometimes, I myself don't even know. It's like, I feel sad but I don't even know why and it annoys me. The sister says I'm psychological unstable. The bestie says I'm doing my best to make others happy but by doing so, I make myself unhappy. I don't really know anymore :/ I sleep a lot because when I do, I don't have to think about all these. I often keep things to myself because that's how I am. I don't open up easily to people. And because of that, some days I just breakdown. Parents even said I went hysterical at one point ._.
I don't know why but somehow, I find it easier to talk and mix with the boys. To the extent that they call me "one of the guys" (I don't know if that's good or bad). Less drama. Less gossiping. Less backstabbing. But because of that, I know a lot of girls talk behind my back. Say that I want attention so I always mix with the guys. Been through that before. So called "close girl friends of mine" Pfft. I don't really bother anymore. Make the girls happy by walking away and to their place when my guy friends walk over to my place to talk with me. It's rude if I do that, no? If people take the trouble to walk all the way to your seat to talk to you and when they do, you get up to walk somewhere else. How would that make them feel? But no... That's not how they see the picture. All they see is me wanting and loving the attention I get from the guys -.- sigh.
Sometimes, all I want, is to do something that will make ME happy. But because I can't bring myself to hurt others by saying some words, I guess I'll never get that happiness for me and myself that I so badly want. Life :|
