Been a long time since I posted something here. Looks like it's either I have nothing that is bothering me, I've hidden it deeply within me, or I just don't care about things anymore. Hmmmm. Doesn't seem very positive, does it? :)

It doesn't bother me anymore and I'm so proud of myself :") *pats own back* To be able to not care and bother about certain things that are happening around me anymore; I've finally gotten back a little part of my old self. YOSH!! 

What is happening to us? What is it that I'm doing wrong? I'm trying to stop whatever I can that causes us to fight. But why won't you let me? Saying things like you're doing most of the changes and one more wont hurt makes me feel like I'm not giving a shit with our relationship. It hurts me even more that I'm trying to stop the cause of our fight and you're not even letting me do so. I am at a lost. I really dont know what to do anymore.

For once, please. Just try to at least think or see from my point of view. How hurt I get form those words of yours. How i feel knowing what you do outside. Yes, you tell me because by doing so, it shows you have nothing to hide. But how do I feel? Knowing you were drunk and you lay on your ex's lap. Knowing you do things in club when you're high but "what happens in the club stays in the club" so i'm supposed to be all okay because I don't see what happens. But its not okay for me because that one time I went, you saw what happened. When it's okay for you to now and then meet up with her because she's your best friend and I am supposed to understand that but it's not okay for me to tweet something related to him because of what happened.last time. After almost 5 months of being together, one hand is more than enough to count the amount of times he talked to me and it's just through texting for barely 15 minutes. And because of that one time I was unhappy when you weren't around you got mad that he was there for me? How is that fair? I know you are unhappy that we talk. I stop. I don't even find him when I'm down and yet you say I do.  Would you be unhappy talking to a person who tries to make you happy? I would be unhappy if the person I love is unhappy with me talking to that person. Said I will cut all ties with him but again you unhappy. But no. If I knew that, I would have stopped talking to him a long time ago. So how about you stop meeting up with her because you know I'm unhappy about it? But it doesn't work that way and then of course it goes back to the same thing. You and her, different from me and him because of what happened. So how is this going to be solved?? Really. I don't know what to do anymore. There is nothing for us to fix anymore. Understand that I am okay with your relationship with her. I don't dislike her but I don't have to like her either. This will hurt you but to me, she's just another person on this Earth who happens to have a history with my boy. The uneasy feeling will always be there no matter what but I guess that's something you wouldn't understand either. But I don't feel that it's fair for me that it always boils down to the same whole "me-and-her-situation-is-different-from-you-and-him-situation-because-of-what-happened" And that is that.

You think you're hurt a lot. I don't think you're hurting as much as I am. You have absolutely no idea what a tiny argument we have is to me.

In my past, I did not care at all about what they did, who they hanged with, how late they would stay out and whatsoever.

But now, it is all so different. Never have I cared so much about what you do, who you hang with, how late you stayed out and whatsoever. Makes me realize that I've never actually loved any of my past. It was just a " we-like-each-other-so-lets-get-together phase" 

It kills me everytime we fight. It ruins my whole day and night. It makes me feel like shit. Makes me not have the mood to do anything in the world. Most of the nights we fight, I sit in my room and cry because I don't know what to do.

My good friends often say I'm very transparent. The slightest change in mood and the whole world knows. Been told quite frequently that I need to learn to fake a smile and put up a wall. If only it was that simple for me.

I'm so tired of crying.

Once, a very dear senior friend told me "You won't understand it now. Wait till you're in my position then you will know what i mean."

Back then, I used to hear her complain about her other half. Going out every night and all I thought was " If you trust him, why would you feel that? Nothing would happen between them" And she would always tell me, "It's not that. I do trust him. But it's just this feeling you get everytime you know he's out with her. You can't help it. It's just there and it kills you inside. You try not to show or care but you just can't." I used to think "ahhhh. maybe it's just her. i don't think i will ever feel that way."

Now do I realize how wrong I am. And also, she's not the only one who feels that way. Little did I know, that my other friends who went through the same thing also felt that way. And now, I myself feel it. It sucks. The feeling sucks so so badly. You are fine with it, but once it's mentioned. Everything around you just changes.

A close guy friend of mine told me once. " If you have a guy best friend, never mention his name in front of your boyfriend. Likewise, if you're a guy, never mention your girl best friend's name in front of your girl."

All these things. I never taken it into account. Because all I thought was if there is trust, why worry? But looks like I'm very very wrong. Even if there's trust, there's just this gut twisting feeling everytime you know about it. You just can't help it. And the feelings sucks.

being put in such a position i don't even know what to do. being the middle person again. as usual.doing this will make you unhappy and most probably just end up making things worse between you and her. i leave it alone and she will think i'm not doing anything about it. i've said it so many times but what's the use? when nothing is even changing. hate repeating myself over the same thing again and again.

what was i to say or answer when i was asked "you don't get jealous ah? always out with them till late." all i could  do was to smile.

Never thought I would love and care for someone this much before. Everything seems different now. Little little things that happen is a big impact on me. I used to not care about what you do. But as the days go by and I find myself falling for you more and more, day by day, I can't help but feel feelings that I thought I'd never feel. Jealousy. Insecurities. Never have I gone through those emotions. I honestly do not have a problem with all the hanging out. I know. You're best of friends. And friends need each other. I won't stop someone from seeing their best friend. Who am I to do so? It's just something I have to deal with myself. I believe in time, I'll learn to accept. But in the meantime, I can't guarantee that I'll be happy all the time. The past still haunts me. I'm still afraid. You've done so much for me. So much that there is no more for you to do anymore. I stopped talking, hanging out and seeing someone who was a very dear friend to me for months. Was I unhappy? Honestly, yes. But if that stops you from having doubts and grumpy and etc then okay. I'm willing to do that. I'm not asking for you to do the same cos my friendship with him and your friendship with her are two totally different kind of friendships. Just. Give me some time to adapt to it.

You make me happy. Really, you do. I don't hide expressions well. I may not talk. But my face says it all. And very rarely, people actually say "She seems happier nowadays." I was like some emo kid back then. But since I met you, hung out and now, be with you. I am much happier than I was back before. I'm not afraid anymore. To show affection. To say "I love you" out loud. You're the one guy who made me feel sincerely loved. And I'm really thankful for that. You mean a whole lot to me. <3 div="">

It's not that you're doing something wrong, scaring me or not being good enough. I don't want anything to change between us. This is just something I have to deal with with myself. Yes, the fear is there but no. I do not wish for anything to change between us.

Whatever happens, happens.

If only you knew how much it affects me. I may not say it, I may not show it. But yes, I do have feelings. Yes, I do get affected.

You don't know how lucky you are in the sense that I actually care a lot. But sometimes, I wonder why I even try changing how I normally am over someone who's not even mine. It's something I never do. And even if that someone is mine, I still don't care this much. As it is, I have trust issues. I'm willing to overlook and accept your past. Even though I now know how you really are. Okay. Maybe not really are. Even though I know how you are now, I still am not avoiding you. I still care. I still like you. I let you do things I've never let anyone do to me. Not even when they were with me.

All my first times were given to you. And you're not even mine. Okay. Call me old-fashioned or whatever. I still believe in "having intimate things with that special someone." Ahh. I don't know. Like you always tell me, "We're not together." So, I don't have the right to be jealous or hurt if you have a girl stay over at your place. Not to mention, it's your ex that you can't get over. I don't know what to feel. When you told me, it was just an "oh. okay. have fun." expression..feeling..whatever you call it. I'ma just go with the flow. Whatever happens, happens.

Life

The fear of trusting people's words. The fear of getting hurt again. The fear of being cheated and lied to. So afraid to take the next step and because of that I know I've hurt many people. And because I try my best to make everyone happy despite me not wanting to do it, I end up being not happy. And in the end, someone gets hurt.
Sometimes I feel that nobody really understands why I do some things. Especially when it comes to confessions. I honestly don't like getting confessions. Of course it's nice to know that you are being loved by other people and that people actually want to know you better and be close to you. But because I can't say "no" directly when someone asks me, I try to put it in a nice way but somehow, they just don't get it. I don't know if it's because they really don't get it, or they are clinging on to the hope that given time, I will not reject :/ And whenever I hear those dreadful words, "I will wait for you. No matter how long it takes." I just feel like disappearing from that person's life. Twice, I was blamed for leading them on and giving them false hope. And because of that, I lost a best friend and a very good friend.
Now that I'm not in high school anymore, I hear stories about me that I never knew about. And I actually found out that my close friends feel sorry for me. And I quote from my good buddy who told me what another good buddy said, " I pity her actually. So many guys go after her, but the ones she truly likes always hurt her in the end." Not to say that I"m boasting that so many guys go after me or something, but I don't believe that they go for me because of who I am. they don't even know me and they claim that I'm the one. Bull-to-the-shit. Obviously I won't believe you when all of you are "heng dais" and all of you go after me? One after another. How is that showing me that you actually like me? It just shows me that you guys are just going after me, to see who will get me first.

Because of my past and what has happened throughout the years, I find it hard to believe what I hear anymore. Actions speak louder, they said. Be friends for a year or two and if he still likes you, trust him, they said. Believed those words, I did and all I got was a broken heart. What am I supposed to believe in now? The one person I truly liked, (even more than I have ever felt for my ex) lied to me. Telling me that the relationship was unintentional? Really? How can someone possibly get into a relationship unintentionally? Total bullcrap. Another person who I cared for dearly despite all his negative sides couldn't even put me above his "image" and frankly speaking, I don't even know what image he has or rather had in high school. But the fact that you were there for me, making me feel special, even when you know how badly hurt I was before was what made me believe there was some good in you. The last 2 years of my high school life was when I had the best birthday and Valentine's Day. And those memories will never ever be forgotten. But now, I don't even know if I mean that much to you since you can't even remember when was the last time we met. Obviously, you moved on with life while I'm still stupidly stuck in the past and all that's left with me are the memories you gave me which i doubt you remember. 14/02/2012 will forever remain in my mind and heart.

When I look back at my past, I sometimes wonder why I did the things I did. "You're too nice. People often take advantage of you." was what I was told. Too often, if you ask me. I still get that a lot now. Even from people I just met for a few months! I may seem happy on the outside but honestly, nobody really knows what I'm feeling inside. And sometimes, I myself don't even know. It's like, I feel sad but I don't even know why and it annoys me. The sister says I'm psychological unstable. The bestie says I'm doing my best to make others happy but by doing so, I make myself unhappy. I don't really know anymore :/ I sleep a lot because when I do, I don't have to think about all these. I often keep things to myself because that's how I am. I don't open up easily to people. And because of that, some days I just breakdown. Parents even said I went hysterical at one point ._.

I don't know why but somehow, I find it easier to talk and mix with the boys. To the extent that they call me "one of the guys" (I don't know if that's good or bad). Less drama. Less gossiping. Less backstabbing. But because of that, I know a lot of girls talk behind my back. Say that I want attention so I always mix with the guys. Been through that before. So called "close girl friends of mine" Pfft. I don't really bother anymore. Make the girls happy by walking away and to their place when my guy friends walk over to my place to talk with me. It's rude if I do that, no? If people take the trouble to walk all the way to your  seat to talk to you and when they do, you get up to walk somewhere else. How would that make them feel? But no... That's not how they see the  picture. All they see is me wanting and loving the attention I get from the guys -.- sigh.

Sometimes, all I want, is to do something that will make ME happy. But because I can't bring myself to hurt others by saying some words, I guess I'll never get that happiness for me and myself that I so badly want. Life :|

HI JONATHAN!

Yes this post is for you since you STALK MY BLOG AND WANT TO DIG OUT MY SECRETS :P

HAI JOHNNIE WEE!!!

And here~ our pikcha :D

Happy Chinese New Year 2012~!

Gong Hei Fatt Choi!! Gong Xi Fa Cai!! Happy Chinese New Year!! :) May the year of the dragon shower you with prosperity, good health, good wealth and most of all, happiness all year long~

Gong hei, Gong hei

:)

Hello!! I'm back. Eheh~ ^^

So my previous previous post, about that guy. Yeah. Apparently he REALLY didn't see me. So, here's the story.

• On New Year's Eve, I suddenly got a text from him. It read, "Hey! Were you in One Utama on Friday?" When I read it, I was thinking to myself, "Oh, like you didn't know I was there -.- " But I replied, "Yeah. I was there with my friends. Why?" And he said "Oh. Because my friend told me he saw you walk out the cinema. Haha. Why didn't you tell me you were there? I would've said hi!! :D " I was like seriously just pissed off. I mean, dude! You would've said hi? To me? With your girl standing there with you!? Yea, right! -.- So, I just asked him which friend saw me, etc. etc. etc. Those kinda shizz. Then I asked him how does his friend know me? And he said, "Oh.. He saw your picture on Facebook before." And I seriously just stunned at that text message. I thought to myself.. More like shouted in my head, "DUDE! YOUR FRIEND SAW MY PICTURE THROUGH FACEBOOK ONLY AND HE RECOGNIZED ME!? AND YOU, WHO KNOW ME PERSONALLY AND HAS SEEN ME WAY MORE TIMES THAN YOUR FRIEND HAS DOESN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME!!?? WTF ARE YOU SAYING SERIOUSLY. YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!" -________-|| Anyway, I just left it at that. After seeing him again with that girl of his, I was already not really in a good mood. And after he told me that his FRIEND was the one who told him, I just seriously blew my top off. In my head. Yeah. I should've lashed out at him. But why waste my energy?

K. Enough about him. So, it's the 17th of January now. Hmmmmm... So many things happened. Ah. Yeah. Finally signed up for driving. Heh. Actually, I was pretty pissed off with one of my friend. I was supposed to learn with her. She told me to wait for her and sign up together after our major exam. So, I waited for her.

• November ended
• December came.
• Mid of December came.
• End of December came.

She still didn't come back to me about when to sign up! So, I decided to text her one day. Said, "Hey! When're we going to sign up for driving?" And she replied, "Oh. I sign up with *friend's name* already. Haha" And I was like WTF !? YOU TOLD ME TO WAIT FOR YOU AND NOW YOU TELL ME YOU SIGN UP WITH ANOTHER FRIEND ALREADY!!?? Yeah. I was pissed. I mean, at least have the courtesy to TELL ME that you have signed up, right? I freaking waited for you and you didn't even tell me you signed up!? sighhh.. Anyway, I signed up at the driving centre by myself, went for the 5hours talk by myself (entertained by my trustworthy walkman) and took the theory test by myself. And I PASSED!! :D Yahoo!!

45/50 *click image for a bigger picture*

So now, I got to attend the 6hours maintenance talk then I can learn how to drive!! So excited. ^^

Now, I'm working part time at my former music teacher's place. Teach small kids =/ I guess it's pretty okay. Twice a week, 3 hours each time. Plus, I get free food/drink and music knowledge! :D But, she's a perfectionist so i kinda predict a lot of screaming coming from her some time in the future =/ Pretty worried and scared about that. *shivers*

Oh. And lastly, the BEST THING that has ever happened to me in YEARS!! Eli Kim from U-KISS........ REPLIED MY TWEET!! Yes!!! My ultimate no.1 fav idol of all time, Eli Kim, replied my tweet!! ASDFGHJKL :D I was extremely happy and was literally spazzing and giggling to myself like a maniac by myself downstairs while watching TV. Eheh. I mean, Hey! Who wouldn't, right? I bet anyone who happens to be in my position that time would do the exact same thing. xD I've realised one thing from this.

• Never expect too much and don't keep spamming your idol's tweet. It all depends on timing and of course, luck :)

Ahhhhhhh~~~~~ I'm still so happy that I got a reply from him. =') And of course, (eheh) here's a proof shot of his reply to me! :D

proof shot :D eheh *click image for a bigger picture*

Well, I'm still practically on cloud 9 even though it happened (considered) so long ago. This is something I will NEVER EVER FORGET for the rest of my life :') Hmmm.. Maybe I should print it and frame it up. HAHAHAHA :D

Ahhh.. And also, not forgetting, today is one of the member from U-KISS' birthday!! The KING of selcas, Lee Kiseop! keke~ ^^

생일 축하해 KiSeop 오빠!!! Happy Birthday KiSeop!!! 사랑해~ I Love You~ ♥♥ Happy #UKISSeop day ^^

~ Well, that's it for now. Till the next time, goodbye!!

*signing out*

2012

Wooh!! Time sure flies, huh? 2011 passed by like a breeze yet so many things happened in that short period. So many memories to be remembered and cherished forever. =')

2011 also happened to be the end of my high school life!!! Am soon going to be a college student! :D I myself can't really believe it. Heh.

Anywho, I'm kinda lazy to blog nowadays =/ I'm sorry.

HAVE A GREAT 2012 !!

May you all succeed in your respective careers :)

*Cheers

Why...

So, yesterday, I went to One Utama with my beloved friends, KumFong, WeiXian, TiekYi, ZiHao and RenChii. Arcade, lunch, movie, walk about. The usual hangout stuff. Karr-Nn was supposed to come along but she ffk me. TT_TT

I was left alone with 5 guys. sighh~ but still, I had fun :D

THEN.......

The horror starts. We went to the cinema area to wait for the cinema room to open. I made a mistake by looking around. I turned to the back and WHAMM!!! There he was, standing there, with his group of friends AND also with his GF. Like wtf!? The minute I saw them, I stunned. Literally. I turned back pretending I didn't see anything. Told KumFong about it. But yeahh.. What can we do? The worse part about the whole situation was that idiot didn't even acknowledge me!! I knew he saw mw. Cos his gf was clearly looking at me. -.- And also, they were directly behind my friends and I, then they were directly in front of my friends and I. Ughh. Watched the same movie AND in the SAME cinema. x__x

Ughhh. Biatch! Damn beh song. You just don't stop ruining my life do you, Justin? pfft! >:[

*signing out*

Congratulations to U-KISS, Boyfriend, B1A4 and SHINee

So, recently there was an online voting award, "2011 SBS MTV Best of the Best Award" where fan clubs vote for their favourite groups~

Some of the winners are :

• Best New Artist - Boyfriend


• Artist of the Year - TVXQ


• Best Male - U-KISS


• Best Female - 2NE1


• Top Rival - Super Junior vs Big Bang


• Global Star - SHINee


• Boy Group - Big Bang


• Girl Group - SNSD


• Hot Debut Star - B1A4

So proud of ma boys!! :') Especially U-KISS!! After 3 yrs!! They finally won an award!! THe power of KissMes working together. U-KISS has ALOT of international fans. Sadly, Korean citizens don't see them the way we international KissMes do. But still, this is most probably the Best Day ever for KissMes all over the world!!!

축하해, 유키스, 보이프렌드, 샤이니 그리고 비원에이포 !! ♥♥ 대박!! ^^

~ KissMes, Bestfriends, Shawols and BANAs support you forever!! :')

U-KISS

Boyfriend

B1A4

SHINee

I'm Bored.

Yes, I'm here just to say ..

I'M BORED !!!!!!

....... OKAYHH. BYE.

*signning out*

New Addictions ♥♥

The first ever Japanese song/MV I'm addicted to,

1. U-KISS - Tick Tack

Christmas is coming soon~ ^^

1. Infinite - White Confession

2nd favourite Japanese song,

Super Junior - Snow White